Today is a really emotional day for me. I keep remembering the details of that horrible day when we found out Jeffrey was gone. That he had chosen to be gone. It had to be some kind of terrible mistake...it had to be an accident! I can't get out of my mind the shock and fear that I saw in everyone's eyes. I can't forget the sobbing of his Dad, and the blankness of his Mom. I can't forget watching my husband be strong and take care of everything...calling people all day long and telling the horrific story over and over again. I couldn't comprehend what was happening. It was such a shock to pull up to their house and see police tape blocking the house and cops everywhere and the Medical Examiners van in the driveway. It was like a punch in the gut...it was real. I had no idea how this could have happened.
Jeff was a happy kid. He was funny and goofy and loved his family. He had friends and hobbies and goals and dreams. He was close to his family. What makes a kid like that end his life? We still don't know. That might be the most frustrating part of this tragedy...not understanding why.
Today I could wallow in self-pity and sadness. I could stay in bed and sleep. I could listen to depressing music or watch a sad movie. But, today I choose hope. I know where Jeffrey is right now. I know that he has no worries, no fears, no problems, and no pain. I know that he is forgiven by God for his choice.
I went to a women's retreat last weekend and had a major breakdown (which turned out to be a breakthrough). I was feeling like there was a wall between God and I and I don't think I had really felt close to Him for two years. I realized that the wall was my unforgiveness. I hadn't forgiven Jeffrey for committing suicide. I hadn't forgiven myself for not seeing the warning signs and reaching out to him. I didn't know quite how to do that. I finally just let it go...and I now really feel the hope that I believe in. So, today I choose hope.